modernprimate:

Even though he is supposed to be Matt Roomby’s dog Jeff Gordon, Ricky Santorum still carries a smart phone. At first Matt Roomby thought this was strange, and one morning asked Ricky why he always played Bubble Shooter whenever he went to the garden to go poop. “Woof woof,” Ricky said, and Matt Roomba just laughed.

This morning as he was Googling his own name, Ricky found a silly article that pretended to be news but was actually full of lies. After he finished reading the Fox News article, he found another one that made Ricky very confused! It said that a reporter found a Grindr app on his phone, which Ricky thought was for coffee! Ricky knew this wasn’t true either, because coffee gave the baby Jesus cancer and anyway he was Matt Roomby’s dog now. Still, Ricky had never heard of a Grindr, and decided to see if maybe it could help him find his friend Michael, who Ricky met last Easter. Just thinking of Michael made his whole face get hot!

“I think he has to go poop again,” the blonde lady who lived with Matt Roomby said. It was true, Ricky did have to go poop!

Keep reading: Santorum Slashfic: Looking for New Friends is a Real Grindr | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep